The Rapture is scheduled for Tuesday
A beginners guide to the end of days.
Good news, everyone! According to a very enthusiastic corner of the internet, the Rapture is officially penciled in for Tuesday. It's not 'soon' or 'someday' anymore, aren't we lucky to have advance notice! Mark your calendars, cancel your Amazon repeats, text your boss. Hell, even stop brushing your hair, who even cares anymore. We must prepare.
So how exactly do we prepare? Don't worry - I've got you covered.
Dress Code - Apocalyptic Chic
We've already touched on this over at TRRD threads account. Think white linen, flowing robes, maybe a halo? ...If you've got one hanging about. If you're not scheduled to ascend, maybe your best loungewear set? Best to be comfy I reckon.
Things to pack
Keep packing to a minimum, the airlines haven't published official Rapture baggage restrictions yet, but assume 'carry on only'. Communion wafters will be supplied so there is no need to panic buy any food and for hydration? Holy water and wine should see you through.
Transportation options
Rumor has it flaming chariots will be in short supply, so carpool if possible. Check local timetables for official flights - but please do look for the angels to assist you, they will be stationed on every corner, wearing high visibility vests with the afterlife's official logo to help you identify them. Economy is still a thing in the afterlife, so if the current financial climate has crippled you don't worry. You won't be left behind.
What if you're not on the Guest list?
First of all, congratulations, please settle in for your front row seat whilst devout Christians like Donald Trump, Mark Burns and the Huckabee's are swept up (...down?). These are complimentary mojito's available from your closest devil bar.
What about the pets?
All animals are sacred and will be protected by both the high and lower powers. Don't tell the Rapture guys, but this is really all just an elaborate plan to rid the Earth of people God deems as 'problematic' and whilst it will warm up for a little while, enjoy it like you'd enjoy Spain because temperatures will return to normal, the poles will re-freeze and we'll all have a much better time.
Whilst we can't currently give you an exact time, we do expect to be sipping in the fireball by 5pm.
Whether you're ascending (descending), or staying here to live-tweet the chaos, remember this: The rapture is less about fear and more about vibes. So iron your robe, put your picnic chair in the car boot, and stay safe (alive).